Randomly choking on my own spit.

No, this is not some sort of philosophical BS; this actually happens to me regularly and Idk why.


Pretty much I’m just sitting there, right, and I breathe in and for whatever reason, I choke on my own god damn spit. It happens sporadically but it’s annoying as hell. Like, I could just be sitting in class and just start randomly coughing because I breathed weird. aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.


that one Christmas pageant everyone had to do

I’m pretty sure you know what I mean when I say “that one mandatory Christmas padgent everyone had to do as kids”.  If for whatever reason you don’t know what I mean by this let me explain… Back when I was a small child (from kindergarten to 5th grade I think) us children were forced to sing and dance along to Christmas songs (for us it was all about Jesus cause catholic school) for our parents and relatives to watch.

I remember vividly tryouts happening in music class, and that one kid always got the best role regardless of talent while everyone else just sort of stood there during the show wishing it would end soon. But there were always those kids who took it way to seriously and completely just went overboard in the name of the performing arts. I just never understood why we had to do them. The philosophy I seem to love using is “Don’t force people to do things even if they like doing them, it takes the fun out of it”.  I felt like these things, all be yet fun, where just a thing for the parents to enjoy at the expense of their children. Is this really a bad thing… well no. But I just feel when these sorts of things are done the kids should have a bit more input. I am active in theatre now and I love thrusting myself into these worlds and investing large chunks of my time into the production… but I chose to do that. Tbh I really don’t care either way. Im really bored. Thank you for coming to my tedtalk

A forced overlap.

I love complaining. This is something I will not refute in terms of my personality and works of arguably horrible blog entries. But I think the fact that my school has 2 ‘English’ classes is utter bullshit. Let me explain.

Our school forces all sophomores to take both a traditional English class along with a class focused only on grammar and it actually takes up our 1 elective slot. As mentioned before our English teacher likes to assign a fuckton of Noredink assignments within the English class. These grammar lessons done within the context of the actual English class are the exact same things that we do in the other grammar-based class; there have even been days when we had nothing to do within this class due to the fact that our English teacher had already gone through it via noredink. When you master a lesson on the program you can do a short review if it is assigned again so the assignments my ‘grammar’ teacher gives us take about 2 and a half minutes to complete rather than the full 50-minute class period.

Since English is one of my better subjects I am unaware of why I need to take both. It can be useful for those who are not good at the subject or in ESL but its a pain in the ass doing the same thing twice in a day. 100 minutes of English per standard weekday; 50 of which are new material. I feel as if this is just a reskin on the whole “guided notes” rant. Taking a class focused on grammar and such can be helpful and often is, but there becomes a point where even the most helpful of things become absolutely pointless. mini rant over.

A somewhat complete list of all references in Rammstein’s song “Deutschland”


meaning of the song- the struggle with the German identity

(0:10) Roman troops entering Germania and defeating the natives. these same troops later withdrew.

(1:05) space suits are a reference to the band’s song “Amerika”

(1:16) the woman seen both here and all throughout the video is a personification of Germany

(2:09) reference to the song “du hast” which has a double meaning of “you have” and “you hate”

(2:26) East Germany

(2:44) reference to ich will

(3:16) more “Amerika” references

(3:29) references the oppression against the Jews during WW2. (also ich will)

(3:49) touches on the horrors of the concentration camps and how they were a national shame.

(4:02) Pink upside down triangle= homosexual or sex offenders. Purple and yellow triangle= Jehovah’s witnesses or other pacifist religions of Jewish descent. yellow star= Jewish. red and yellow triangle= Jewish political prisoner

(4:19) could be a reference to Till’s schoolgirl drag in his song “Mathematik”

(4:38) reference to the face flamethrower that appears in “feuer frei” and most consorts featuring the song.

(4:39) Nazi book burnings

(4:46) reference to a scene in their song “Sonne” with the pose.

(5:16) A reference to the German dog breed ” Leonberger” which was thought to be extinct after both world wars. it has made a comeback both times.

(6:24) A reference to the songs  “Engel” with the wings and the men on leashes like dogs is from “Mein teil”

(6:33) once again the Leonberger comeback after both world wars and also a symbol for rebirth.

(6:45-end) A piano cover of their song “Sonne”



The line of the song “Deutschland, Deutschland über alles” is a reference to the verse once in the German national anthem, but was taken out due to it created by the Nazi’s during WW2. It was banned by the German government after the war.


My own way

My friends don’t think I can handle problems.


This is both a correct and incorrect assumption considering, despite common belief, I am capable of basic thought. Despite my often erratic behavior and a long list of horrible choices under my belt; I can make my own rational choices when I need to. I do not need people telling me how to handle my issues because I was raised to take care of them myself.

Self-reliance is a thing that was drilled into me at a young age. I did not wait for my mother to put a bandaid on my knee when I scraped it; I did it myself.  I do not wait for a therapist to tell me how to fix my prevalent mental and emotional issues; I once again, do it myself. I do not trust people other than me to solve my problems because they are not me. A therapist cannot truly know my issues unless they live them. They can help some, sure; but I see one at least once a week. That’s an Ok thing. But I have found that in my experience no amount of meds or therapy can really help alleviate my emotional pain and the crippling sense of depression. Not everything works for everyone, so please dont expect it to work for me.

I appreciate people being concerned about me, and I get it… I am a bit scary to deal with sometimes due to the fact my emotions are erratic. But ill be fine.

Bench time

I am not the most social of people as many of you can tell. I tend to just hover around in random places and just not talk to anyone; that’s sort of what I do. But no time to me is more sacred than bench time.


There is a specific bench that I like to sit on during lunch. this was more of a recent development but that’s ok with me. I don’t really like the screeching sound of the freshman nor do I like the bright lights of the cafe so I tend to just curl myself up on this lone bench and work on random shit on my laptop. Many of my stupidest and mindbogglingly awful ideas, as well as my best, come from bench time. Its more or less of a mental break from all the chaos of the school day, and I am ok with this. Bench time is great.